I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
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“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
ACED my prostate exam!