KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
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My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer