Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
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i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
My Plans 2020
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets