In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
You Might Also Like
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.