6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
š³
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All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I asked which vaccine she gotššš
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: canāt wait to eat the meatballs here
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
āYouāve got something in your teethā
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: Youāre talking about the dogs, arenāt you?
M: Are they available?
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I like to say I donāt hold on to anger but Iām also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didnāt invite me to hers.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
George Washington only said āI cannot tell a lieā because he never had to fill out a kidās reading log.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
itās called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks