* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
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Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?