when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
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*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.