Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
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My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*