I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
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I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Just ordered me some pizza!
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️