The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
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SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.