Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
You Might Also Like
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.