Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
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Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Why is no one talking about this?!
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun