A Match(.com), but for socks.
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Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Breaking news:
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.