Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
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Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Golf would be better with landmines.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?