Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
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“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I am crying
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach