I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
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You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
girls literally only want one thing..
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.