Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
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Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
✌️
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁