I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
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My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.