me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
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marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
“The Perfect Relationship”
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …