“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
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Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Broom by every window for quick escape.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name