[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
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If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*