You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
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Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
huge valentines day plans this year!!
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played