Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
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Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
[montage of me giving-up]
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day