Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
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Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣