“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
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All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Skills
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Money is the root of all wealth
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.