“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
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“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Chemical wingman