Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
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Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Best mom ever 😂
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*