I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
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[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.