Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
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The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Animal poetry
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
The asteroid..
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO