It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
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Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you