“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
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If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms