In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
You Might Also Like
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you