Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
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The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
finally
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped