*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 馃槻
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
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[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don鈥檛 know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
What if the weather talks about us?
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain鈥檛 no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
If you鈥檙e cremated, you can鈥檛 roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks