Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
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[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Me trying to look natural in photos
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.