A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
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I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool