Home is where your toilet is.
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My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Room with a view.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.