Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
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Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body