Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
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Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Jurassic park gets weird
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.