The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
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Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”