Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
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Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible