Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
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Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
reduce, reuse, recycle
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.