– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
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Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Girl, same.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.