Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
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Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…