Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
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Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?