i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
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If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
that colleague who touches your screen
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.