We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
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Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing