I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
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Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
My dad.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”