I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
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No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.