waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
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“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys